Miss Me...?

It has been so long since I last blogged. I kept going to this bookmark but...was too lazy to sign in.

So many things have changed in my life since I last blogged. The most significant I'll say is our church's summer retreat. It was AMAZING, and I can still muster up enthusiasm about it even months later.
There was no retreat high, but God showed me a light in my life that I need. That las tpost about hatred? Well lets just say I got a brother back.

Once a brother, always a brother.

I am also happy to say that I have not felt spiritually dry in months. I think God finally revealed to me what I needed in order to continuously follow him. Since I was atheist it was always hard for me to accept some things about Christianity but now God taught me a custom way to accept him in my life.

Although I still need to stop ignoring him as much. I should start that thing where I pray the second I wake up. It makes HUGE differences.

Senior year...I ignore homework. it is pretty epic though. Soon we will all know what colleges we are going to and will split ways. MAN High school went by soo quickly!

I love reading my friends blogs. You learn so much. I wish friends could talk more like that in person.

Dang. I am happy. <3

Hatred and Moving On

It is hard to control hatred. With me, hatred is mainly born from one way-betrayal from someone I love. It is pretty hard for me to give that up, and the love I had for that person becomes hate of equal intensity.

Normally I could just try to forget about them and be neutrl but its hard when you see the person so much and you are stuck with them for a good amount of time. So that hatred resurfaces every once in awhile. And so does the love.

I want just both of them to go away.

Been praying and reading the Bible a LOT lately. =] really doing good with my faith without school to worry about.

Some muscle progrgress too ;]

Gotta keep it up!

SENIOR PORTRAIT! HAHAHA

I Don't Know

I am going through a sort of transitional period in my life.
I am changing my personality to better fit some people.
Getting annoyed lately by a few people.
Then there is SNSD.

I was such an anti-fan of them but everything about haters or fans of them is ridiculous so I don't care anymore.Its sad that something like them consumed so much of my thoughts to begin with. Still confused as to what marines have anything to do with genies though.

Tae-Yeon though, that girl has talent.

I don't know if anyone even reads my blog at all. Maybe the few thatdid got bored after most of my posts were just negative things, but I don't know. Perhaps the free time of summer is giving me too much time to think.

If anyone does read this well, just know that I don't really know where I am in life right now. Should I be someonecompletely differentthan my normal self to get along better with a close friend and also so that I'll like my image more, or should I be how I am naturally but at the same time hate myself?

On a more positive note I started reading the Bible again and been praying on a regular basis, which is great for me. I also have the feeling God wants me to start drawing again. But we will see. Had last bible study with my class of 2 years, which was pretty sad but our memories will stay strong in mind.

Been slacking on exercising too, but haven't stopped yet. It has just been hot and I don't want to sweat and lose more weight.

Pray for me so God will show me the path to choose.

Another poem

All this time it was you
I didn't think that it could be true
You were right there from the start
And what might be the strangest part
Is while I sure enjoyed the view
Of seeing everything brand new
It's still you
All this time I was home
I didn't know just how far I'd roam
Winter brings all this snow
Blinding, it covers everything you know
But when the sun comes shining through
And the sky returns to blue
I will rush to take my cue and find you

This is yet another example of my never ending nostalgia and desire for more As Told By Ginger.

Summerness

I am STILL in denial.
I think like every thirty minutes "Don't I have some project to do or test to study for?"
BUT I REALLY AM DONE.
I think it will finally hit me on Tuesday

Anyways that signifies that gotta play with friends.
NRB with Seong and Jennifer
Dinners with Lydia
Chill with Paul :]<3

We'll do it this summer guys!

I had a one-on-one with my bible study teacher last night. She made me feel better about my faith [or lack of]. We'll just see how it goes. I just know that I have to be more tolerant of Catholics. LOL

I have also been more tolerant with that one guy.
I try to just not care anymore.

I don't know what I am going to do this summer!
But got to keep exercising! I've Promised!

Angryness

Why have I been so angry all the time? :(

Avoidness & Whineness

Well I guess I am the sort who lingers because the person I spoke of in my last post, I once again tried to re-establish a connection with.
It basically reaffirmed any doubt in my mind that I am right about that person. It makes me happy I am right but it is bittersweet because I am sad that I'll probably hold onto this anger for so long. Anger like this: You are a fag.

But I am definitely not going to go crawling back like I have in the past. =]

God has blessed me with such good friends, and I love the few that I have grown especially close to this past year, and those that I was able to make smile.
Or enjoy my food from foods class ;]
[You know who you ARE]

Proverbs 18:24
It was one of my favorite over a year ago, and it still is. I find it a good motivator and also a good relaxer. :]

Which brings me onto my next point. I am sick of only using this blog to whine about things all the time. My life is the complete opposite of miserable and unfortunate. Thank you to all my friends! The littlest things probably mean the most to me! i can never thank you guys for the smiles this year. It has been rough, but we only have a weeks left.

I have to work hard these last couple weeks. My grades are border and all depend on this, so I have to do my best. God please help me to do so.
And I also pray God that you'll help me stay focused and determined in my exercise so that I will gain muscle and be happy with myself. :]

God, I will no longer quit.




Amen.

Loneliness

Which is an actual word :D





Today I officially decided


on my own accord


that I no longer need someone in my life.





Someone who has been a huge part of my life


is now going to basically no longer exist.


It is so weird thinking of what things have come to


But we can all only put up with so much


and try so hard.


We all have limits!





So I really don't blame myself.





I have great friends and don't need a constant negative influence hovering around.








Anyways this reminds me of a poem from a Nickelodeon show! "As Told By Ginger" was such a good cartoon!! :D I MISS THOSE DAYS!
This poem is suprisingly deep. [I changed the She to He]

He chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before him,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

He didn't have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what he felt were
Puppet strings.

He longed to be a bird.
That he might fly away.
He pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

He longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say he wished too hard.
Some say he wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that he was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.

He spread his arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
He just let go of all he held...


And then he was gone.

Man, that gives me CHILLS.

Memoryness~

You know,

looking at my own memories is depressing but,

looking at the pictures and memories of my friends, when THEY were happy

makes me happy :] I want more happy memories like that with people! GJP<3

Uselessness, if That is a Word [First Real Post!]

So basically, I originally wrote like a page-long blog about my sexuality and my relationship status and stuff like that. But while I was reaching the end I realized that I didn't want to write about that at ALL. Instead I want people to know something.

Did you know that I am utterly useless? Do you find yourself gasping at that staement, ready to debate? Well just hold on a second and listen!

I am only "mediocre" in virtually every aspect of my life. let us take a look.
Sports: I play no sports whatsoever. the only sport I did play, tennis, I gave up.
Music: I play no instruments whatsoever. As for singing, I can't [although I still do :D].
Religion: I am kinda a terrible Christian.
Video Games/Computer Skills: Know nothing more than the average person.
School: I just get the work done.

The only thing that I've heard that I'm "good" at is my looks and style, supposedly. Great, so I am going to get through life just by looking good? I find it ironic that God has molded me to be the exact type of person I hate. I am, in essence, just eye candy. I have no substance, no special skills! And you want to know why? I completely lack drive. I do not have any determination to do anything whatsoever. Everything I start ends up unfinished.

Also, looking at everything in the world, I find myself only completely passionate about one thing that I never pursued, and it is now too late to do so. Whether I have any talent at it, I have no idea. One friend seems to think so, but the world doesn't.

But I have always been afraid of saying anything about it. And now, I fear it is way too late. Would I even want it as a career? Would I even be good enough? I don't know. Maybe it will always stay how it is, as a secret desire and regret from my teenage years and I'll end up working in a mediocre cubicle somewhere. But God...



I love to sing so much.

Well, well...

I never really wanted a blog but...
I think I'd prefer to use this to talk about about myself
and leave FB for stupid surface level stuff.

I hope anyone who reads my blog will enjoy it and learn about me!

Heh...creepy pic of me!!